142nd Birthday of John Czechoslovakia

It is on this day that we remember one of the greatest men in the history of our nation, John Czechoslovakia. It has come to our attention that the youth of today are beginning to forget the story of John Czechoslovakia, the man who made our nation as it is today. Born in 1884 to Mateo and Júlia Czechoslovakia in the small village of Brno, John Czechoslovakia was immediately recognised for his greatness. Eyewitnesses say he was born with pertruding abdominal muscles and silky blond hair. Our reporters were able to track down Velema Lewinská, a nurse that helped deliver Czechoslovakia. Comrade Lewinská agreed to do an interview with them, requesting to remain anonymous.

“I remember the day was sunny, mild clouds, and strangely warm for the season. I went into work and went about as I normally would, hurrying to and fro different patients— but when I entered the room of Paní Czechoslovakia, I knew it would be different. I felt a gust of wind as I saw a bright light emanating from the bed. I held my hand above my head and pushed through the wind to find this baby who was standing, his hair was flowing, his— excuse me, [...] his skin had this dehydrated tightness and he looked to be very low in body fat. I was quite worried.”

John Czechoslovakia spend most of his childhood working on a small farm owned by his uncle Klement Czechoslovakia in Brno. There, he learned how to read, write, and calibrate chickens for optimum egg-laying efficiency. This was one of his many talents that would go to define the nation he would found.
After saving up thirty crowns, he could afford to attend the small all-boy’s school in the neighbouring village of Pardubice, where he learned to read, write, dispose of enemies efficiently and without mess, and important social skills that would form his political career.
Czechoslovakia found it very unfair how people were treated under Austro-Hungarian rule. He saw large surpression of his native tongue, Czech, and how Austrians and Magyars were the majority represented in politics. He swore to change this.
As an adult, John Czechoslovakia attended university in Prague where he studied law. There, he began to think, and his hatred of Empires grew by the day. According to our expert in European history Dr. František Svoboda:

“Well, we know that workers under the Austro-Hungarian empire were treated as slaves. There was a— a very strict social hierarchy present all throughout the XIX century and even through to the early XX century that would appall any modern man. Something needed to be done.”

Something would indeed be done. In 1918, war broke out. This Great War presented a tremendous opportunity for Czechoslovakia, which he recognised. On the 11th of November, 1914, Czechoslovakia marched all the way from Prague to Leningrad, demanding to speak with the Tsar of Russia. Czechoslovakia convinced Tsar Nikolai II to give him a small army to command, mostly volunteers from Bohemia and Slovakia. With this small army, which came to be known as the Czechoslovak Legion, Czechoslovakia gloriously led the nation to victory.
In recognising the bravery and heroics of Czechoslovakia, the Central Powers and Entente Powers agreed to end the war exactly four years after he formed the Legion. After founding the nation, it was unanimously voted on by all participating officials that the new country should be named after its founder and greatest hero, John Czechoslovakia. Recognising that his work had been done, Czechoslovakia stepped away from leadership, humbly giving the role to Tomáš Masaryk.
Today, the youth hardly remember the heroic deeds of John Czechoslovakia, the greatest man In Czechoslovak history. It is today, on his birthday, that we must honour this glorious legend.

Written by K. Kriegel, edited by J. Sevard, 17.01.26